Run

“Run” Digital Collage

© J. Porter, 2017

we run, we run

we twist ourselves into fantastical shapes
and pretend to breathe

we run from ourselves
and our world
and what we have done to it.

© J. Porter, 2017

To the Wild Things…

“The Getaway”, Artwork by Kevin Peterson,
Red Hot Chili Peppers Album Cover, 2016

Unfolding my life in all its pretty and not so pretty moments, ratcheting and unratcheting points of view and simplistic notions I bought into and fed like the crazy beasts that they were. Continually monitoring with ‘Am I doing it right? Am I doing it wrong? what am I doing again?” and shoving it back into a drawer to be looked at later in depth and later coming when it’s least expected.

Change. Roaring in on Letting Go and Letting Out and Letting In and just plain Letting. Keeping me off-balanced and putting things back into Balance the way they should be, but all the threads of the old ways getting tangled in the walk back to the Old Ways. I reach the scissors finally and snip! Falling falling falling away…. all the screaming beasties demanding, cajoling, convincing, tempting, guilting, haunting, taunting, beguiling.

There’s a ways to go with threads trailing behind, tripping the steady beat of my feet on this Path I’ve waited, Worked, longed for. I make my way through the Dark of the Unknown To the Wild Things. Because I Love them.

They are the only things left that are Real.

The Drowning of Atlantis…

“The Drowning of Atlantis” Digital Collage
© J. Porter, 22 April 2017

Corruption isn’t new. Sometimes it’s just lost in Myth. Time devours it, masking in obscurity the actions of those who have done the unspeakable. But it doesn’t disappear, not if you know where to look. Abuses of Power can only be hidden for so long, until like the Drowning of Atlantis, the destruction is inescapable.

Butterfly

Something got shattered
so that something could blossom

A reliance on the Known
Blown out of the water
On waves of remorse

Freeing something
Hidden

Stunned, I mourn
And wonder
if I am just aging more rapidly
than I knew

In the silence of breath
I hear no answers

This stillness is new

© J Porter 28 March 2012

Epiphany…

I wrote this a long time ago. I kept it private for four years, in part because I forgot it was there, and in part because I wasn’t ready to make it public. I am now.

It is hard for me to read this, but not as hard as it used to be. We all struggle with such deep, deep pain, even those of us virtually screaming at each other that everything is all right. It’s all ok! I’m fine.

Well, I wasn’t fine. And it’s taken me this long to truly start to Trust. In myself, in All-That-Is (the closest I can come to naming the unnameable.) And it took many shatterings and re-constructions between when I wrote this and now.

I offer it up now in hopes that if you read it and it resonates, that you too will not feel so alone anymore. Someone has been through this, or something very close to what you have experienced, and made it out the other side.

Many Blessings to you. I wish you well, and hold out my virtual hand with this post, in case you need one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10/23/2008

My mom would let me cry in my playpen for hours, soiled and lonely and abandoned.  This I had recently remembered.  But today I realized that right before my sisters came home from school, she would pick me up, clean me, feed me – properly – and make it look like all was well.  I, of course, was so relieved to be held and cared for finally that it LOOKED like all was well. And I learned to be such a good girl, so good, so accommodating, so that I wouldn’t be left alone in that playpen again.

It explains so much.  The claustrophobia, the excessive desire to please, the constant sense of failure, of nothing I did being enough, of feeling like if I was just good enough, smart enough, talented enough someone might actually love me.  But nothing worked, and I would resent the attempts and the lack of acknowledgement at the same time, even when I couldn’t seem to stop trying to please everyone.  To be and do whatever they wanted.  So busy, always watching to see how I could make life better for somebody else so they wouldn’t abandon me.  Using all my talents – and there are many – for everybody else.  It breaks my heart to contemplate this. I grew up thinking love, salvation, companionship, everything could only come to me after sacrifice, pain, loss, heartache, hunger… and just…in…the…nick…of…time.  Oh, help would come, but not until I was at the very end of the rope, not until despair was so great, loss so huge, anger and pain so prevalent that … I got used to that being the way it was.  I thought, at a very young age, that this was the way it was supposed to be.  No wonder I feel abandoned so easily, no wonder I’ve struggled all my life.  No wonder as soon as I was able to I tried to meet my own needs.  I learned early I couldn’t rely on anybody else.  And yet I wanted to.  I wanted to trust and I so longed, so yearned for someone, anyone to take care of me, even if just for a little while.  And yet I still couldn’t trust it, or anyone else.  Oh, it’s so painful to remember, so hard to consider what I went through.  Nothing I did or could do made a difference.  I sat there in despair, crying to a Universe – represented by my mother – that did not respond.

So, what does this mean for me, now?  How can I use this information to help me to grow and to stop trying to punish myself for never being good enough to receive sustenance in all it’s forms?  Some part of me knows that it’s been the biggest lie of my life.  But I don’t know how to stop believing the lie.  Finding the source of my pain, to understand where it started – in this life at least – does help.  But I don’t know what to do with this information exactly.

I do know that the Universe has been trying to tell me that I am loved and cared for.  I have received so many gifts in my life, and I’ve received small miracles even today to remind me.  Rain that held off until the bus came, a train driver waiting for me and opening the doors up so I could get on, salt for my hard-boiled eggs where there wasn’t any before.  I know my inner loving adult is not fully in charge right now.  The parts of me that need to feel this pain and don’t trust ANY authority figures are not quite willing to trust her to be in charge yet though.  My longing for Connection has been identified, it’s source not fully explored. I think there are other dark places, shadowy corners that I must look into, especially for specific areas of my life, but I don’t know how to make this better for myself.  I don’t know what to do.  But at least I have a direction of some sort now.  I just wish I had someone to hold my hand while I try.

Reading Results: What is the Nature of Reality

Here’s the cards I pulled in response to a suggestion posted by Emily Carding on Facebook:

I had a really long piece almost complete when my computer locked up in a really odd way, so I’m taking that as a sign I was getting a bit wordy! (I am currently more familiar with The Transparent Tarot, so I did a reading using both decks instead of just the Oracle.)

Instead I will just say that as my opinion of Reality is that it’s all relative to one’s perspective anyway, these readings definately applied.  Taken together, I suppose I would sum them up as indicating that the Return of the Divine Balance is being fully supported by the Divine Masculine, even though both aspects of the Divine are still finding their balance and have not fully matured into equal Partnership.

Transparent Oracle
Autumn~Water~Stag

While the Masculine aspects of the human family have taken precedence for quite a long time, there is an emerging willingness to own the empathy that exists in both genders, and this is being exhibited in a harvest celebration that does not relenquish masculine strength and virility but embraces both.

Transparent Tarot
Page of Cups~The Sun~Page of Wands

The Benevolent Sun supports and encourages the re-emerging Feminine aspects of the human family that are reclaiming the Balance between Emotion and Action.

There will still be some time before this is achieved, but I see that great progress is being made and that the there is support for a Partnership rather than a dominance.

That’s my take on it anyway! Opinions welcome…

Divining with Runes: Unsettled

A Very Life-Affirming Reading...
Rune Reading: 17 January 2011

I had a beautiful week-end, even though reading through old journals stirred up some things in my past that left me feeling unsettled.  It was an uncomfortable feeling, and I couldn’t get a handle on what exactly was going on.  To add to things, all that stirring up of old dust in the files in my head was making it harder to stay present and not feel overwhelmed.

I have used divination tools for much longer than I have had my TBI, and the Runes for the longest.  I didn’t feel I had the energy for, nor needed the sort of reading that using the Tarot provides, so I went to my Runes for their usual quick yet in-depth and to the point insight.

It was quite encouraging to pull the three Runes I have an image of above.  Basically, they were both a confirmation of the work I have been doing to clear out old paradigms and ancient dogma that no longer serves me.  They speak of diving deep into the Work, that it takes courage and perseverance. But these particular Runes are also all Cycle Runes… they act as the High, or Major Arcana cards do in the Tarot. Pulling these three Runes let me know to keep going, and to work through the uncomfortable, unsettled feelings.  I’m mining Gold.

Link to Amazon
The edition I use...

 

 

For those interested, I use Ralph Blum’s book and Runes.  You can find them via:

ISBN-13:978-0312536763